FML I'm a Mary Sue!
by cmsully
Summary: It was bad enough that I got shot by a psychotic flasher while at work, but to later find out that I've been reborn as the Mary-Sue twin sister of Lucius Malfoy just has to be the icing on the cake. Although, these Mary Sue powers could come in handy... you know what, screw it. Why NOT use them to mess with canon? This is gonna be fun...
1. Chapter 1

*I don't own Harry Potter or any recognizable characters.

* * *

Of all the ways that I thought I would meet my end, being shot in the head while at work by a psychotic flasher claiming I was the Anti-Christ was DEFINITELY not even close to my top thousand most likely deaths.

I'm not even joking- one minute, I was ringing up customers, and the next minute the flasher (whose coat kept falling open every time he waved his arms, thus revealing… ahem, _everything_ ) came bursting into my store, noticed my t-shirt that happened to have a bleeding heart on it- thanks to it being the logo of my cousin's company- and ranted about how it was the sign of the Anti-Christ and that I must be taken down so that he may be welcomed into Heaven's arms. As the entire store (including me) stared at him with our jaws dropped in disbelief, he suddenly pulled out a gun and… well, there you have it.

I will say this about getting shot- it's a delayed pain. When my vision first cut out to black, I froze in shock for about a couple of seconds. Then the pain struck. How bad was it? Well, imagine your worst migraine, and then multiply it by about ten. Yeah, it friggin' HURT.

When it finally passed, I tried to glance around at my surroundings. Would I be in Heaven, since I was baptized when I was a babe, and still considered myself a Catholic even though I rarely went to church? Or would I be in Hell, since I was DEFINITELY more open-minded than other Catholics and tended to make fun of those who I labeled 'Bible-thumpers'? Not to mention I never did perform a Confirmation to be a full member of the Catholic Church… well, too late now, I guess, considering that I had moved on to the next plane of existence.

At this point in my afterlife, though, I couldn't tell just what that plane was. I would've thought that right about now I'd see at least _somebody_ from either end of the spectrum, or even a member of my family to welcome me to the afterlife. But so far? Nothing. Just… darkness all around me, as far as I could see.

However, wherever I am, I don't think I'm alone. How do I know? Well, every so often I'd feel something (or someone) nudging me slightly. At first I thought I was losing it… well, more than I already have. However, after a couple times of enduring them I finally- after many moments of figuring out _how_ to do so- nudged back, and the responding nudge had a distinctly happy feel to it… you know, like when you nudge your best friend to check something AMAZING out. To relieve my boredom, I'd occasionally initiate a Nudge War (hey, I gotta do _something_ ), and considered whoever stopped nudging first the loser. Not gonna lie, I lost a couple of times.

Either way, wherever this place was, it wasn't all that bad.

* * *

There are moments in one's life where, through no fault of their own, Fate decides to turn their life into a Rubik's Cube and call out, "Have fun solving it!"

I am having this moment now.

At first, it was like any other… day? Month? I actually don't know how long I've been in this plane, so I think I'll just say day. Anyway, for a little bit before this day I was shocked shitless to suddenly have sound penetrate my little section of existence. Mostly it was a woman's voice (whom I could never, _ever_ make out clearly due to the weird distortion), however occasionally I would hear glimpses of others as well. One thing I can say for sure, though, was that it wasn't my nudging buddy- the surprised nudge I received when her voice was first heard was evidence enough.

Anyway, on this particular day, I was suddenly aware of myself in the way I hadn't before then. While before I just felt like I was floating aimlessly, I could suddenly feel my arms, legs, and all sorts of other appendages. I'd almost forgotten I had ever had those, at one point. Not only was I shocked by this discovery, but I could suddenly hear a _lot_ of other voices.

I sent out a questioning nudge to my buddy… who didn't nudge back. Frowning, I nudged a little harder- no response.

Okay, it's official- I'm starting to get freaked out. Never in my existence of being on this plane had my buddy never nudged back. As panic began to set it, I could almost feel the walls around me grow tighter and tighter… wait.

The walls WERE getting tighter! Not only that, but I got the distinct sense that I was moving in a forward direction. I squirmed, trying to create a bit more breathing room for myself- no such luck. In this moment, I could feel my lungs starting to protest their lack of air. Wait, when did THIS happen?

Oh, I was NOT about to die again! As I thought this, the top of my head suddenly got cold. Like, someone just stuffed me in a freezer cold. I hadn't felt _that_ kind of sensation since just before I quit my very first jo—

Wait a moment… this sounds familiar. Walls squeezing tightly as one moved forward while being exposed to cold air head-first… don't tell me—!

Suddenly, the cold air hit the rest of my body as a bright light seared right into my eyes so badly that I wailed in pain. Seriously, what is going on?!

That was when I heard the words that would answer many of the unanswered questions I had: "It's a girl!"

I had been reborn as a new baby… with the memories of my previous life intact. My future contained diaper changes, probable breast feeding, a new childhood where I would more than likely be forced to interact with kids who were _leagues_ behind me in mental years, the horror of a _second puberty_...

Well, looks like the person who was in charge of my soul screwed up, BIG TIME!

* * *

After a bath (where I screamed with humiliation and anger at the thought of being forced to rely on others to clean my body until I was able to do it myself again), I was swaddled in a rather comfy blanket that soothed me down enough for me to stop screaming and handed back to my new mother. As she reached her left arm out towards me, I noticed an interesting sight- in her right arm was a bundle that could only be one thing. My nudging buddy was revealed- I had a twin!

Well, this is already looking up- while I had siblings in my old life, I had always wanted a twin who would understand me _perfectly_. Maybe this wouldn't turn out so badly after all…

The sound of my new mother's voice distracted my happy musings. Now that I could finally hear her clearly (and I knew it had to be her voice that had been most prominent at what I now realized to be my time in her womb), I looked up at her to memorize her features.

Chocolate brown eyes that were filled with _so much love_ gazed back down at me. I actually felt a bit humbled, for though she had no idea that I was an adult that was hijacking her daughter's body she nonetheless loved me at first sight. Discomfited at this, I quickly studied the rest of her face- dark blonde hair, fair skin, and aristocratic features complimented those eyes. My new mother was very obviously a beautiful woman, and it would be an honor if I could look just like her.

She shifted me in her arm, and suddenly I smelled something delicious. Glancing away from her face, I realized what was about to happen. I grew slightly uncomfortable at the thought of putting my mouth around another woman's nipple ( _especially_ since it was in a non-sexual situation), but my stomach forced me to set that feeling aside. As I started to instinctively suck, the most heavenly taste exploded in my mouth. Well, I wasn't so uncomfortable anymore!

While I was eating, I could vaguely hear other voices in the room. At first, I didn't really care… until I heard a man's voice filled with shock, awe, and _love_. Only one man could possibly have that particular combination upon seeing my twin and I feeding.

My new father…

For a couple of moments, I was torn between getting more of that heavenly milk or tearing myself away to see what he looked like. Curiosity won, and I let the nipple that I had been so enthusiastically sucking fall out of my mouth. I was in luck- during those moments where I had debated, he had moved himself to look over my mother's left shoulder, thus making it easier to see him.

Or, at least see him as well as I could with newborn eyesight, which surprisingly resembled my near-sighted vision in my old life. While his long pale blonde hair was easily seen- which made me realize that this time around I was DEFINITELY going to be blonde myself, _joy_ \- I had to struggle to make out a pair of grey eyes.

Interesting combination… and a familiar one to boot- but why was it familiar?

As soon as that thought entered my head, my new mother nudged me back towards her nipple. Latching back on without complaint (hey, this milk was _that_ awesome), I forced myself to pay close attention. After all, it's at this point that I would learn my new family's name… and more importantly my new identity, for I could no longer lay claim to my old name.

"Aren't they beautiful, Abraxas?" my new mother breathed.

Wait, _Abraxas_? No, it couldn't be…

"Yes, Jacquelle," my new father's voice rumbled back, "you've given the Malfoy line a fine Heir and Heiress."

Malfoy? MALFOY?! Don't tell me—!

"My Lord, my Lady, what names shall I write on the birth certificates?" an unknown female's voice pierced through my disbelieving thoughts.

Too bad my new father decided to burst my bubble. "My son's name shall be Lucius Malfoy, and my daughter's name shall be Lucretia Malfoy," he announced.

When I heard this, I gasped, unfortunately causing an air-bubble to form in my stomach. As I wailed out in shock (prompting my mother to start panicking, and forcing the nurse to show my father how to burp me since apparently my twin was still eating), only one thing stood out clearly in my mind.

My twin was named Lucius. Lucius Malfoy, son of Abraxas Malfoy. Lucius Malfoy, who would grow up to be a man known by _millions_ of avid readers, my old self included, of one of the bestselling book series of all time.

 _ **I had been reborn into the Harry Potter universe**_ **.**

This realization would stay with me as I was burped and eventually soothed into sleep. As my eyes closed, I had one comforting thought to tide me over into dreamland…

At least they didn't name me Mary Sue.

* * *

A/N: Oh, yes, I'm going there.

This plot bunny has been sitting in my head for 2 YEARS, until finally I was able to finish this opening chapter at friggin' 4 in the morning. Basic premise is that a fanfiction author (made apparent by her relief at not being named Mary Sue) is reborn as Lucius' twin sister, and has all of the implied Mary Sue abilities that would come with such a situation. After she gets over her initial irritation that yes, she IS indeed a Mary-Sue, she decides to use her Mary-Sue powers to her advantage and change the fates of those she deems worthy enough to change (and some who weren't worthy, but gets their fate changed anyway).

My hopeful plan for this fiction is to take many Mary Sue tropes and actually turn them into something worth reading by assigning them to someone who would ordinarily hate Mary Sues to begin with. I know a lot of my other OCs begin in a Mary Sue-ish way (*cough Heavyn and Katlyn cough*), but this time rather than trying to veer her away from becoming a Mary Sue I'll have the newly named Lucretia Malfoy exploit it to her satisfaction.

And yes, in keeping with the Mary Sue tropes she WILL be based heavily off my own personality.

So, shall I continue this? Please let me know via review!


	2. Chapter 2

*I don't own Harry Potter or any recognizable characters

* * *

It has been several weeks since my rebirth, and so far it's been… interesting.

I was pleasantly surprised to see my new mother try her best to keep up with Lucius and I, rather than just dumping us onto nannies and wet-nurses like I half expected her too. Unlike Abraxas, who definitely acted like the type of father I expected him to be, she was more than willing to tackle our dirty diapers (although she did use her wand- not that I blamed her, honestly) and should one of us cry more often than not she would be either the first or second person on the scene. Granted, my twin was one demanding baby (Draco's attitude in the first few books make _so_ much more sense, now), however the Lady Malfoy tried to give us both equal attention.

If, though, for some reason Jacquelle Malfoy couldn't take care of either of us right away you can bet that the house elves would. Let me tell you, their looks were one thing the movies got right. Especially when it came to a certain house elf that I hadn't expected to meet for quite some time.

Dobby, after all, had always seemed like a more recent addition to the Malfoy household then he apparently was. Then again, right now it's very obvious that he is a young elf due to the fact that he has that gangly teenager look about him.

Let me tell you, I crapped my diaper when I first heard the name of Harry's loyal friend summoned by my new mother while she was feeding Lucius, and when he took me to the nursery to change said diaper I just stared in wonder at his face. This was the elf, after all, that won the heart of the entire fandom and had one of the saddest deaths in the entire series at the hands of that bitch Bellatrix Lestrange.

He was also the first being to make me ponder as to how my presence here in Wizarding Britain might change things. After all, when all of us Potterheads first met Dobby he had already been in my twin's service for quite some time, and thus tried to thwart the diary plan any way he could (by mostly trying to 'help' Harry) when the time came. This Dobby, though, quite obviously was happy to be a Malfoy elf.

Well, if it was Lucius who had caused Dobby to rebel, then I needed to ensure that my twin wouldn't grow up to be like that.

As soon as this thought crossed my mind, I balked. I knew the arguments surrounding changing what you knew- Doctor Who, amongst other things, taught me that should you try to mess with established events you'll probably end up screwing the Universe ten times over. But then again, it wasn't like I had suddenly arrived into this world as a full-grown adult. Nope, as much as the Universe was concerned I was born into this world, and thus was now officially a part of it.

It's a good thing I was still a baby, then, for that alone gives me time to answer the hugest question of my existence- to change, or not to change?

I will have to say, though, that the more time I spend around Lucius, the more I'm almost tempted to screw with what I knew to be canon. Despite his demanding ways, he has definitely wormed his way into my heart- not that it was hard, anyway, considering that in my old life I had considered Lucius an interesting character. Our bond that had started in our mother's womb definitely has not diminished in any way, and more often than not should you find one of us the other isn't too far away.

I'd also bet a thousand Galleons that this twin bond would affect our magic in some way. I can already feel what _has_ to be my magic occasionally flowing through my body, but sadly there isn't enough yet to do anything fun with it- believe me, I tried.

Anyway, on this particular day Lucius and I were under Dobby's watchful eye in our nursery play area. From what I could overhear, apparently Mother had some business to take care of while Father was waiting for somebody important to arrive. While Lucius was busy taking a nap and cuddling his plush dragon (which was curled up as if in sleep as well), I was quietly playing with the animated plushie unicorn I had gotten, which was easily my favorite toy- hey, when it actually _moves_ like a real animal, you better believe that despite my mental age I was excited when I got it. My current goal was to try and follow it- easier said than done, considering that while I knew _how_ to crawl my current limbs weren't coordinated enough to do so. At this point, though, I was slowly starting to get the hang of the army shuffle (which honestly looked more like a worm slowly inching its way across a sidewalk, but considering that I was independently mobile I was going to count it as a win).

My concentration was broken when I heard Dobby suddenly leave with a quiet 'pop', leaving Lucius and I alone. Huh, our father must've called him... I couldn't help but wonder why. Looking around, I realized that this was a golden opportunity to practice sitting up on my own. After all, one shouldn't appear _too_ advanced unless you're willing to take on the burden of being known as a genius- the Naruto series taught me that. How could I avoid looking like a genius? Well, I always waited until Lucius did a thing (like rolling around) before I revealed that I could do that same thing. Saves me _so_ much effort.

Ok... roll onto my back… position my arms accordingly… and now to push my upper body up—

The sound of hissing laughter burst my bubble enough that whatever minute progress I had made was instantly lost. Rolling back onto my stomach, I wriggled around to see who that rude person was.

Needless to say that when I came face to face with a giant _snake_ I froze. Half from surprise, and half from survival instincts. After all, even though I like snakes I know better than to be anything but cautious when said snake is big enough to actually _eat_ me.

While this snake was huge, however, it was also _gorgeous_. Jet black with slight blue highlights, the scales shone in a way that this snake was obviously _very_ well cared for. With the snake being at least twenty feet long, though, my gut was telling me that this beauty was probably a magical species as well.

So… considering the world I've been born into, I guess I know who's visiting my father right now. Great…

" _Aw, and I was enjoying the show._ "

Did this snake just talk?

" _Come now, hatchling, amuse me some more._ "

Nope, I'm hearing things.

" _Master's busy with one of his pets, and I'm bored…_ "

Nuh-uh. Malfoys are most definitely NOT Parselmouths. Even in my old life, I never came across a fanfiction that said the Malfoy line could become Parselmouths- but then again, the amount of Harry Potter fanfictions would make it impossible for me to have read them all… STILL. There's absolutely **no way** that I'm understanding what this snake is saying.

" _Entertain me, hatchling, or else I'll bite you to see if you're worth eating!_ "

Goddammit.

I wriggled away from the obviously spoiled snake while ensuring that I stayed between she(well, I think it's a she, anyway, from the sound of her voice) and Lucius. As I did so, I refused to move my eyes away from her face.

Thankfully, she seemed to find this amusing as she teased, " _How funny, the hatchling thinks it's a snake_." At this, I couldn't help but glower at the wretched thing. Stupid spoiled snake… oops. Apparently, she had taken notice of my glower's timing. Slithering closer, the snake mused, " _Oh? Can the hatchling actually_ understand _me? Come now, hatchling, prove to me that you understand my speech!_ "

" _Isis, move away from Abraxas' children,_ " came the sudden order of Lucius' and my new savior.

As the newly named Isis turned towards her owner, I rearranged my face to look appropriately baby-ish as I looked up to see who could only be Tom Marvolo Riddle stride into the room. I was surprised to see that he still looked relatively human at this point (and may I just say it is _weird_ seeing him with a nose…) but those red eyes are a dead giveaway to his identity. Admittedly, though, they oddly worked with those handsome features that I never thought I'd see him with… maybe the snake face came with the next Horcrux he's bound to make? Then again, that's only if I choose not to change anything in the timeline I know.

" _But Master—_ "

Flicking red eyes back down at Isis (who had slithered back to his side), Voldemort hissed back, " _Isis, I do believe I had told you to behave, didn't I?_ "

" _But—_ "

" _And behaving means not terrorizing the children of the people I still need, correct?_ "

Ok, as much as Isis had already annoyed me, I'll have to admit that was pretty hypocritical of Voldy considering his treatment of Draco in the books. Then again, though, he still has a nose at this point so maybe that particular moral is still somewhere deep in that fractured soul of his… My attention was momentarily distracted when my father picked me up as nonchalantly as he could as to not offend the resident Dark Lord. In his eyes, though, I could see the worry that I had been hurt in some way. I couldn't help but smile at him to show that I was okay, then turned my attention back towards the Parseltounge conversation.

" _Yes, but—_ "

" _ **Silence**_ _. Since you obviously didn't obey my instructions, this means no rabbits when we get back home._ "

When I saw Isis' face turn into a pout, I stuffed my fist in my mouth to suppress my giggles of glee. As I did so, my father made sure I was secure in his left arm before he stooped to pick up Lucius with his right. My twin was roused slightly when he was picked up, however seeing our father and me must've allowed him to fall right back asleep as Abraxas managed to shift him into a comfortable position while barely using the hand that held me (which, I had to admit, was an impressive trick and made me wonder if any other parents with infant twins knew how to do it).

Seeing that Isis was properly chastised, Voldemort turned his attention towards the three of us. For a moment, I debated on meeting his eyes… but then I remembered that he knew Legilimency, and even though he had told his snake off for 'terrorizing' us I still wouldn't put it past him to take a peek inside a child's mind. Eventually, I settled for staring at his nose (which was still just _so weird_ seeing).

"My Lord, I'd like to introduce you to my Heir Lucius, and my Heiress Lucretia," my father formally addressed him.

I appropriately chewed on the fist that was still in my mouth as the man who had killed so many in his pursuit to avoid death (which, now having experienced it myself, I can honestly say is dumber than saying the earth is flat… wait, do purebloods know this fact, considering their general lack of knowledge on muggle science? God, I hope so…) commented, "Heiress, Abraxas? Isn't it enough that you have an heir in Lucius?"

Must. Not. Glare. At. Obvious. Sexism…. How can I ensure that I don't reveal my mental age while satisfying my sense of female empowerment… Aha!

Lucius awoke to the sound of me blowing raspberries at the Dark Lord, who had a friggin' _hilarious_ confused face at my actions. I didn't care, though, for it was VERY therapeutic and appropriately baby-ish. To make it even more hilarious, my twin apparently decided that what I was doing looked like fun, and proceeded to blow his own raspberries.

As the two of us had a raspberry blow-off (which had my inner Potterhead just chortle with glee at the thought of Jason Issacs as an adult Lucius being forced to do the same), Abraxas decided to ignore us as he answered, "Well, with what you told us during our Hogwarts years about what the Muggles were doing I figured it couldn't hurt to name them both Heirs in case something happened to one of them."

Okay, Abraxas had balls of **steel** to remind the Dark Lord of his Muggle upbringing _to his face_. Why didn't any of the fanfictions focus on HIM?

"However, since he is the firstborn Lucius remains the primary Heir to the Malfoy Lordship," our father continued, raising my respect for him even further as he seemingly ignored the minefield that any Potterhead knows to be wary when crossing.

Riddle must be saner than I thought, though, for he only gave a nod of understanding at our father's reasoning. Huh, considering what I knew of his past I never would've thought he'd let ANY mention of his Muggle heritage slide considering the lengths he went to in order to hide it… either my father was closer to him than anybody knew, or the money must've been better than I thought.

"Would you like to hold either of them, my Lord?"

Wait, what did my father say?

"Lucretia, especially, is usually very easygoing when it comes to others holding her."

I stopped blowing raspberries and looked up towards Abraxas, hoping that this offer was a mere jest. Judging by the look on his face, however, he was being completely serious. It crossed my mind that my father probably doesn't have _any_ idea what he is doing. Last I heard, Voldemort doesn't do babies, so naturally I bet the answer will be—

"If what you say is true, then I'd be willing to hold your daughter."

A FRIGGIN' YES?!

As I was transferred into Tom's arms, for the first time ever I tried _desperately_ to soil my diaper. If there's one thing I've learned in my previous life, it's that should a diaper change be imminent most people will instantly transfer the owner of said diaper back to the parents, and there's _no way_ I want Voldemort holding me when I can't do squat about it.

Sadly, though, baby bodies sometimes betray even the owners, and I was adjusted until eventually the Dark Lord could hold me comfortably. If this isn't awkward for a Potterhead, I don't know what is… no, wait, having Voldemort stumble into my bedroom while I'm changing would have to be more awkward for MANY reasons, so never mind. Either way, though, I still felt awkward at the current situation.

Stupid characters, though, breaking all my previously conceived notions of them… having failed the diaper plan, I admit I debated if I wanted to throw a needless tantrum just to get away from Voldemort. However, when I glanced at my _darling_ father I could just see that he was hoping that I wouldn't do that sort of thing and… well, I just couldn't do it.

Glancing back up at Riddle, he and I then proceeded to stare at each other. Well, he stared at me and I stared at his nose- still not gonna trust him to not try Legilimency with a baby for various reasons, after all. I could hear Lucius emit a sound that was obvious he was curious about this mysterious stranger holding his twin.

Okay, this was getting a bit awkward. I forced myself to look away, and stuffed my right thumb in my mouth to look appropriately baby-ish. My eyes wandered around the room, hoping to find something to focus on.

Once my eyes spotted Isis pouting, I had the irresistible urge to dole out some revenge for her threats to bite me now that I was safely in someone's hands. Waiting until she realized I was staring at her, I took my thumb out of my mouth as I manipulated the fingers to keep up the façade of not knowing what I was doing. I eventually managed to deliver the _piece de resistance_ with flipping her off by having my middle finger on my nose while my other fingers were hanging around my cheeks and chin.

Oh, that enraged hiss was music to my ears. I quickly removed my hand from my face and whimpered, as if I was scared by the sound she had emitted. To further the illusion, I curled my head into the Dark Lord's chest, as if I was hiding from her. Sure enough, Tom rose to the bait of my manipulation.

" _Isis, quit scaring the hatchling. Just because you're jealous that she's in my arms doesn't mean that you can act out_ ," he rebuked, quickly glancing over at her.

Reluctantly obeying her master, I could just barely make out her grumblings at how unfair her dear Master was being as she curled up tighter around herself while constantly watching me. Even though I knew that this would probably bite me in the butt later on in life, I smirked at her. Maybe she'll take this as a lesson to not be so spoiled... eh, probably not. Either way, it made me feel better.

Suddenly, I was jolted out of my reverie when I was transferred out of Voldemort's arms back into my father's. As Father laid both Lucius and I back down in our little play area, I rolled over and observed the two wizards. Turning away, the two made to return to wherever they had come from before entering the nursery. At first, Isis seemed to be content to stay in the room (probably to follow through on her threats to bite me), however a sharp hiss from Tom forced her to follow him.

Just as they were about to go out of sight, I focused on Isis as I hissed, " _Bye Bye!_ "

Voldemort and Isis' heads turned back so quickly they must've gotten a touch of whiplash. To hide the fact that yes, I did in fact just use Parseltounge, I proceeded to scrunch up my lips and make random sounds.

In that moment, as they eventually turned away with suspicion in their eyes, I had two epiphanies. One- by me knowing Parseltounge without a legitimate reason and being the twin sister of an influential character, chances were high that I was… ugh… what many fans call a Mary Sue. Two- it was _way_ more entertaining than it should be to mess with Voldemort without him realizing what I was up to, and chances are messing with Dumbledore would have similar results.

Finally, I had come to a decision: look out Wizarding World, it's time for me to have some _fun_!

* * *

A/N: So, originally this chapter was supposed to be posted on April Fool's Day, however _certain_ characters *cough Voldy cough* didn't quite want to cooperate. As for Isis... well, I always thought that Nagini was a more recent addition to Voldemort's arsenal (after all, how would she know to travel across the icy English Channel and travel to Albania when Voldemort blew up that Halloween night?), so Isis is her substitute. And yes, eventually I'll have to kill her off... but that won't be for a while yet. Oh, and yes I had originally planned on having Voldy unconciously trigger Lucretia's accidental magic with his own, however that had to be changed. It may show up later, though.


End file.
